Why Every “Productive Morning Routine” is a Scam (And Why We’ll Never Admit It)

If you’ve ever scrolled through Instagram or YouTube, you’ve probably stumbled across those “productive morning routine” videos. You know the ones: they start with some model-human waking up at 5 AM, meditating, working out, reading three chapters of a self-help book, and sipping green smoothies—all before 7 AM. And here you are, still figuring out how to hit snooze without accidentally turning off your alarm.

Let’s break down why the whole “perfect morning routine” myth is a scam we all secretly want to believe in.

1. Waking Up at 5 AM Is Just Torture Let’s address the elephant in the room—waking up at 5 AM is not, and never will be, fun. All these productivity gurus say things like “Seize the day!” and “The early bird catches the worm!” But listen, if catching worms means dragging myself out of bed before the sun’s up, I’m perfectly happy staying worm-less, thanks. Sleep is precious. Let me enjoy it.

2. Yoga at Dawn? Let’s Be Real So, the morning routine always starts with some light yoga or meditation. Let’s be honest: the only position I’m interested in at that hour is the fetal position, under a blanket. I tried doing yoga once in the morning, but halfway through I lay down in corpse pose and accidentally napped for another 30 minutes. Namaste, I guess.

3. Green Smoothies Don’t Make You a Better Person Ah yes, the holy grail of all productive routines: the green smoothie. I’ve seen people blend spinach, kale, and avocado and act like they’ve unlocked some sort of health cheat code. But let’s get one thing straight—just because your drink looks like swamp water doesn’t mean it’s going to magically give you energy. Meanwhile, I’m over here with my coffee, waiting for it to give me life and maybe the willpower to survive the day.

4. Working Out at Sunrise? Please. The idea of getting up at the crack of dawn to hit the gym is as foreign to me as quantum physics. They say it’s energizing, but the only energy I’m getting is from hitting the snooze button repeatedly. Honestly, the most physical activity I can manage before 10 AM is making my way to the fridge. Is that a workout? I like to think so.

5. Journaling to Manifest Your Goals Oh, this one’s rich. I tried journaling to manifest my goals once, and all I ended up with was a list of things I’ll probably never get around to doing. Writing “I will be a millionaire” in a cute notebook isn’t going to suddenly bring me stacks of cash, but sure, I’ll keep writing about it—right after I finish watching this Netflix series.

6. The Illusion of Calm, Quiet Mornings In these routines, mornings are always so peaceful. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and everything looks like it’s been edited to perfection. In real life? My morning is a frantic scramble to remember where I left my keys, my sanity, and any shred of motivation. Spoiler alert: none of these things are ever where I left them.

7. Productivity Isn’t About Time, It’s About Procrastination Here’s the kicker: these routines promise to make you more productive, but let’s face it—most of us are expert procrastinators. We could wake up at 5 AM, drink a green smoothie, and still find ourselves deep in a YouTube rabbit hole by 10. Productivity is more about tricking your brain into doing work than about waking up early. I could wake up at noon and still crush it—don’t @ me.

Conclusion (aka, Why We’re Sticking to Our 8 AM Wake-Up Time)

Look, waking up early and having a perfect morning routine is a nice idea—if you live in a world where nothing ever goes wrong, and you have the energy of a thousand suns. But for the rest of us mortals, mornings are messy, chaotic, and fueled by caffeine. So, the next time someone tells you to “seize the day” by waking up at 5 AM, just smile, nod, and then go back to hitting snooze.

Because in the end, it’s not about when you wake up—it’s about surviving the day with as little effort as possible. And if that means waking up at 8 and skipping the green smoothie, so be it.

Now, where’s my coffee?